Wedding review (and sandwiches too) So I have promised many of you a review of the infamous wedding I attended a few weeks ago. And while may promises may be fleeting, mine are not. They say 'better late than never' but since I said nothing about when I would post this, I feel I have nothing to apologise for. I've never been a big fan of apologies anyways. Since I am usually right, I haven't grown accustomed to having to apologise.

Well the day began as most do, with a caffine craving. But I will skip past the caffination station, the tie disaster, and my own poor timing, or rather, my inability to tell time, and go straight to the wedding. Surrounded by family that isnt mine, and dressed as a mafia Don from the mid 60's (way to stylish for the 50's) I waited patiently to the ceremony to start. It was more than a little awkward as I realised that I knew nobody but the bride, and of course she was a little busy. So I made idle conversation with the locals who seemed only mildly interested in me or what i had to say. Mildly interested in anything really, as i recall the crowd seemed rather sedated. Only the elderly, or 'Elders' as they like to be called (probably), seemed spry. All excited to see the family that had neglected them in thier retirement homes and complexes. Having people pay more attention to them in the few hours of the wedding than in the past year definately put a new spark in their battery.
People were starting to be seated In what turned out to be a beautiful setting; A large acreage in an isolated part of a nearly non-existant town. It was definatly a serene
situation, but it looked as though it was going to rain. I was prepared for this scenario, as i was wearing a microfibre rain coat, but much of the crowd looked as though they had dressed for the beach. And while I would never wish that on a close friend, I ALMOST wanted it to rain, just to liven people up a bit.
Luckly, if not eeriely, the sun came out at the exact moment the bride stepped out. And with it came the camera freaks. Not the photographers, mind you, but the camera freaks. The people that carry a pocket digital everywhere they go willing to flash-blind you every 2 minutes to 'preserve' the memories. I can only imagine the plastic memories these people must have. Artificial smiles all around as the 'memories' stare at you with demonic red-eye. With flashes everywhere it must have been distracting for the guests of honor put on display. They made it through though, a few laughs during the vows lightned the mood, then it was over. I had no idea how quick weddings really are, but I was more concerned with scrounging up some caffine, so I didn't put much thought into it.
Before I left though, I noticed a few shady looking characters gathering near a corner of the field. Being a shady character myself, I took it as an invitation, or maybe an obligation to attend. Now I would like to tell you that I stumbled across the 'real' party and craziness ensued, but I was promised 'doobies' at the reception and that was enough for me. I heart doobies.

Interlude for coffee with my friend Joe.

I arrived at the reception at the pre-arranged time. But to my dismay, the key to the hall was not with anyone there, and on top of that it seemed that many must have gotten lost on the way there. This is fair enough as Glenora is barely a suburb of a suburb of a village, but I was hungry.
Let us skip to dinner as I don't have all night to write this. My memory is a little hazy as it has been a few weeks (2 I think), but cheese is definately the most predominant memory of the whole night. From creamy cheese to stinky cheese, even cheese crurds! They had it all. Seeing this massive table of massive self-serve goodness made me want that doobie, but 'shadyman' was nowhere to be found. I ate as those around me indulged in drink. I knew the night would turn into a gong show soon, as there was enough liquor going around to give an elephant serosis (maybe even a hippo, and I hear they can hold their liquor). As dinner conversation began to run dry, I noticed a grouping of tuxedo-wearing drunkards on the patio, and thought i'd indulge in their madness. And madness it was, all of them had stories abouty how they had lost over a hundred pounds of fatty-belly weight since quitting their call-centre jobs. When I got out there they were picking on one of the smaller guys, laughing about their trp to the philippeanes. While they wouldn't actually tell me what happened, I'm pretty sure he took home a would-be 'female' prostitute. And what they did together, I'll leave up to You, dear reader. One of the bunch (clearly a Brit) thought it nessisary to brag about his new job as a stock-boy at superstore. Obviously this is a nobel and exclusive position that I envy greatly.....but I was a little confused as he told me that all he does all day is carry large bags of flour. I haven't been in superstore in a while, but last time I was there they only had 1 aisle that contained flour, so I'm pretty sure our british friend will be seeking new employment soon if it takes him all fucking day to stock one aisle.
This was obviously my time to continue with my search for 'doobieman' and his party supplies. And i found him, recoiling from the masses in front of the hall. I can't say I blame him, I was doing the same. A few others showed up at the same time, for the same reason. I enjoyed the drug, but was a little curious as to why 'doobieman' immediately swallowed the roach, and stared at me with a goofy grin. I tihnk he thought he was teaching me something profound. Like a wise guru passing down wisdom. But wisdom it wasn't, and flee I did. More than a little paranoid around all these strangers I snuck out the front door without saying goodbye. And that was that.

Congratulations Lisa and Jesse, though your wedding was frighting, I wish you all the best.


Now as long as I am reviewing things, it's sandwitch time! Now my loyal readers know well that I love a good sandwich. So much so that I have very strict rules as to what can be called a 'sandwich' and what cannot. A few nights ago, my friend and fellow sandwich connisseur made me a group of us grilled cheese sandwiches with the claim that they would be 'the best' sandwiches on the planet. It was made with real cheddar, and a savory garlic butter that added a touch of class to an otherwise common meal.

on a scale of 'poor' to 'unbelievable' I hereby give the sandwich a 'pretty gosh-darn great'. To raise future ratings I suggest either bacon or ham between two layers of chesse.

If anyone needs a good sandwich made for them, think of me, the good doctor. I am, afterall, a professional.


Dr. Gagnon  ¶ 4:25 PM 1 comments

  Writing Aids Recently, I, the good doctor, was commissioned to write an essay for my friends work application stating why she was suited to retail work. Obviously, such a daunting task should be left to the professionals, and that is where i come in. Names have been changed to protect anonymity.

"Retail work is ideal for me, Clara Danish, because I -heart-* people. I spend most of my waking hours pondering the meaning of life,and the conclusion I always come to is "RETAIL!!". When at work, not a moment goes by that I don't try to better serve the customers around me. Throughout my vast retail experience, i have recieved (from customers and supervisors) many compliments on how well i deal with poeple. . Old people are my favorite! I feel that respect for the elderly is the staple of a good business. I also feel that your store would benefit from a 50+ section. Since the elderly all dress the same, it would make ordering much easier. I guarentee that I can raise store profit by no less than 43%."

So if you truly care about "crazy canine clothing", you cannot afford NOT hiring me.

PS. I can help you retrain the rest of your staff, improving productivity by 28%. "


*keep in mind that this is a hand drawn heart.

So as you can see, you are much more likely to obtain work with the assistance of a professional. And I hereby offer my assistance to any and all that need job essays written. It doesn't end with job essays either, be it for school, work, or leisure, let the good doctor do your writing for you.


Dr G-Man  ¶ 9:50 AM 0 comments

  Cell Phones. I think I honestly HATE cell phones. I hate what they do to people - turn them into imbecile, annoying drivers, the ringers are always annoying, people honestly think it's ok to talk in their 'outside' voice inside on their cell phones. If you've ever been on BC Ferries you know the usual scene: You are tired, you decide to have a little nap during the hour and half you have to wait before docking on the otherside. Just before you fall into a pleasant sleep someone near you starts talking ..and not just talking but practically shouting. Everyone seems to have developed a 'cell phone' voice, it's a bit higher pitched than their usual voice and always much louder than they realize. People develop cell phone syndrome too, where even though they are in a public place they feel everyone around them should know what's occuring on the other end of their cell phone conversation.

"That asshole hasn't paid me child support in 2 months and I've had enough of his bullshit"

That was a real conversation I experienced in a restaurant once. I learned through this conversation that this woman's ex was rather shitty in bed. I do not need to know this shit. I'm practically forced to listen to it too because she's talking in her obnoxious 'cell phone' voice.

How easy it is to multitask at home while on your phone? Just try doing the dishes or carrying on a conversation with someone else while on the phone. Yeah, it doesn't work very well does it.

Now imagine you are in a 2000 pound speeding machine with the same amount of attention. Scary isn't it? Parking lots are even worse, people walking, cars turning ..it's a disaster waiting to happen. Nothing can be THAT important. Cell phones weren't always avaliable. Sometimes people had to *gasp* WAIT for us to call them back! Oh the nerve! Bah.

I guess this problem could just be solved if everyone shut the fuck up every once in awhile. We talk too much. This issue will be in the next blog, however.

S.Magnifico!  ¶ 7:31 PM 1 comments

  Barking dogs and their ignorant owners. Some barks are more abrasive than others. The bark of a tiny chihuahua can bring up punting urges in some individuals. Most people can agree the constant incessant bark of a dog is highly irritating, regardless of breed, size or color. Others may argue that the bark of their dog is comparable to a home security system, deters burglaries and protects the home in general. This is true is some cases, but I'm finding more and more this isn't the case. People have their family pet tied to a tree in front of the house where the dog grows bored and frustrated. Unable to find any escape from it's hell on a rope it begins to bark, like a human in such a position would shout, scream or yell. A dog can't speak, it can only bark so that is what it does. Why have a dog to tie it to a tree in your front yard ? Don't have pets if you can't treat them with the respect they need. Next time I see it I'm tying someone's ass to a fucking tree.

I live on a relatively busy street. Across the street there seems to be 2 or 3 large dogs in a fenced area. These dogs bark alot. They bark at people walking, people biking, people driving. Since this street is quite busy that means the dogs are barking pretty much all the time. ALL THE TIME. These dogs aren't doing anyone a favor. They are not protecting or being friendly family pets. They are being irritating. But do I blame the dogs? No, I blame the imbecile pet owner who allows their dog to bark 24/mothafucking/7.

So one might suggest that you buy a cat. Cats wander, cats like to shit in gardens. Cat piss is the most disgusting horrible smell I have ever smelled in my life. DO I like cats ?? Not particularly, they are not as high maintenence as dogs but they are boring. They just sit there with their big freaky eyes looking at you, just waiting to do something creepy like claw your leg or bite your hand. Cat fur is disgusting and causes severe allergies in some. I prefer dogs, but not their barking. If you have a dog, please, shut it's yappy face up.

Ms.S.Magnifico!  ¶ 7:54 PM 2 comments

  I hate my life and want to die....



My life is an emotionless void, with no noticable highs or lows. I float through my sad existance hoping desperately that someone, anyone will notice the beautiful flower that is me. That is why I wear all black. Black make-up, lipstick, and even nail polish. Someone will see me eventually.
All the stupid jocks at school think they are better than me just because they can play 'sports'. Well who cares about sports anyways. I spend my free time writing poetry. Poetry is the only medium that can truely express the anguish of my menial life.

heres one:

"i lay here
thinking of you
with nothing
better to do

life is meaningless
because i'm alone
i have no one
to bone

i cut myself
to feel alive
how much longer
can i survive?"

I call it "no one to bone". I think it will get published soon. I have over 200 more that are almost as good too. My mom says i am a genius, but i think she is just patronizing me. She just wants me to become one of those stupid happy people who wear colorful stuff and don't cut themselves on purpose. But i know they live in a delusional fantasyland, my new nine inch nails cd opened my eyes to their ignorance. I now realise that i am completely meaningless and the only way I can show the world my insignificance is complete and utter apathy.

People say i am fat and ugly, and i smell really bad, but they don't understand I am fat as a protest against 'beautiful society'. I am beautiful because I think I'm beautiful, not because society says so. And i Don't smell bad, I smell natural. Soap and deoderant are for looser conformists (toilet paper too). I like how i smell.

Last night my mom caught me masturbating while listening to my new nine inch nails cd, cutting myself, and writing more poetry. I thought she would be upset, but after the initial shock wore off, she seemed impressed with my ability to multitask so well. I am going to write a poem about it tommorow, if i dont kill myself first.


Gothy Mcfattington  ¶ 6:03 PM 3 comments

  The 'war' on drugs ? ((part 2) The Moral Corruption of Our Nation)) In order to return our country to its moral roots we must make some serious changes. Some of these were clearly outlined in 'part one', but since i have not noticed a change as of yet i am going to be more specific. The problem can clearly be traced to the secular left who are corrupting our good christian values.

Phase #1: MORE BIBLES!!

Every store should carry bibles and sell them at such low prices that everyone can afford them. Perhaps even free bible give-aways with certian products. Not only that but the bible should better suit it's target audience. My new bible will not use any words with more than 3 syllables, and every page will be fully illustrated.

Also if people are to really believe the 'new bible' or the 'Gary Gagnon version' of the bible, it must not contradict itself. I propose that someone (me) write a definitive version that will be taken as truth. I may even throw myself in there, so people can see how the doctor would handle various situations. In fact I plan to emalgamate many of the biblical characters (IE: God, Jesus, Satan, etc...) into myself. This way it won't be as confusing for the general population. They wont have to remember who did what because "Gary did it", or "it was Gary`s will".
I will teach people about morality using up-to-date examples such as the evils of foreign cuisine (as mentioned earlier, Canadians should be eating sanwitches for lunch and steak and potatoes for dinner, nothing else.),the evils of drug abuse, the evils of sex, marriage, and love. And finally, the evils of questioning Gary. This really will be the focal point of the 'gary bible' because questioning leads to dissent, and of course, dissent leads to imorality, terrorism, and marijuana se. And we cannot tolerate that!

I have also considered the fact that as an unknown, people may not be accepting of me as their new Lord and Savior. So as an alternitave, i suggest George W. Bush Jr. for the job. The whole worl trusts him so much that they have practically named him emperor of the world. It is also clear that Georgeyboy truly understands morality. He knows of the evils of the world, and has an agenda to crush them. Who better to raise to the status of 'God' than our man Bush. Mr. Bush already understands that he is above 'international law' which was created for mere mortals, not the Moral Superiors in His administration.

Another viable possibility would be a comprimise between the two, in which George Bush and I, travel together through biblical times killing heathens and preching morality. We would have a pet dragon named 'Leon' who would breathe fire on the sinners. Good wholesome family values have a new dynamic duo fighting for them. The sinners, communists, terrorists, and drug abusers will conform to Our righteous beliefs or be invaded and destoryed from the inside (or horribly burnt by Leon).

By my calculations, this new bible will be so subversive that no less than 60% of the worlds population would be converted immediately. Not even the most powerful drug lord will be able to resist the combined conversion power of the great Dr. G, and president George Bush.

Thus ends phase 1 of the moral clensing...



Phase # 2: MORE TOBACCO!!

In those glorious years before marijuana reared it's ugly head, people smoked a family friendly product called 'cigarettes'. Back in the 50's (when society was good and pure) real men, and raspy-voiced women, enjoyed the musky goodness of a sweet succulent smoke during dinner, while driving to work, and even after engaging in monogamous intercourse with ones spouse. There was no need for the terrible trpidation caused by illicit drugs which were then rightly associated with communism, rebelion, and even teenage promiscuity. Yes, you heard me correctly. Drugs are responsible for the STD problem as we know it. And clearly, following that logic, cigarettes are the only cure.

We must launch a world wide ad campaign to get children smoking (maybe a free pack of cigs with every new 'Gary Bible' sold). Imagine a world where kids don't want to start doing drugs because they get all they need from cigarettes. Suicide rates woiuld all but dissapear as cigarettes make stress a thing of the past. The cologne, perfume, and oral hygene industries would boom. We can't all smell like the well preserved elderly afterall.

End Phase 2

Phase # 3: Reintroduction of Shame!!

Now I know you are all thinking "isn't shame a bad thing?". No. No it isn't. Shame was one of the cornerstones of existance in the 50's. Along with guilt, shame kept people so repressed that they could not be a threat to themselves or others. Shame made sure people didn't talk about their private lives or personal issues. I for one am tired of turning on the 'tv' (television) and hearing about bladder control issues, and for christ's sake, if you have an inflamed prostate, you should not broadcast it to the entire fucking world.

Slightly off the topic of shame, but i wouldnt mind eliminating any and all tv ads that involve babies running around to sell products. Im sorry but babies are only cute if you have one or want one. For those of us who do not, we are tired of seeing the stinky little parasites struggling to walk as their brain-dead parents videotape it. And why do they tape it? To show to their 'friends' who would rather watch a slideshow from your last vacation to small-town alberta where every slide is the desolate expanse of nothingness (underexposed with a crooked horizon).

Well back to shame.....yeah.....need more shame....

I am going to end with a quote from the up-and-coming 'Gary Bible' (featuring George Bush Jr.).



"I am the Lord thy God" (like in the 'holy bible', but said by Dr G through a megaphone to a bunch of kids at a fat-camp)



until next week

Dr. Gagnon
  ¶ 10:38 AM 2 comments

  I'm now currently tracking everyone who views this blog. If you leave without commenting I will hack the SHIT out of your computer and destroy anything on it. Don't test me.

START COMMENTING.

We are weak and insecure, we need feedback!

Have a pleasant day.  ¶ 9:53 AM 2 comments

  The 'war' on drugs? I haven't heard a lot about 'the war on drugs' as of late. People seem to be preoccupied with "more important" wars. But who really cares what is going in in Iraq, or Iran or wherever? I say, let the states terrorize whoever they want AFTER they have eliminated the marijuana problem. I dont think people realize how big this problem really is. Our youth are being corrupted and de-moralized by this horrible substance.

When 'high' (or stoned, as some drug abusers like to call it) the tactile, saporine, and olfactory senses are greatly heightened. Think for a moment of the potential trouble this could cause in the typical substance abuser. Lets start with the tactile senses. The marijuana user starts to notice textures more than usual and is physically stimulated by almost anything he touches. This often leads to the inapropriate physical contact between two or more offenders that can even lead to sexual feelings. And while the term 'sexual healing' is common among such circles, I can assure you no medical healing is taking place. These people are seeking the most selfish of sexual release, and due to the drug in question, that pleasure is not only greatly hightened, but also prolonged. This kind of super-sexual experience can easily lead to the kind of sexual addiction that is plaquing our youth.

What happened to the good old days (the 50`s) when people understood that sexual contact is simple evil manifesting itself in it's most decadant form. Back the people understood that sex could kill you, and even the most innocent kiss could impregnate young girls ruining their chance to ever find a decent husband. In the 50's, people didn't smoke marijuana, which allowed them to live a lifestyle based on good christian morals (chastity, obediance, and weekly church-based 'reeducation'). I believe when we abolish marijuana, we will be able to recreate the perfection of the 50's. Men will wear suits and hats (of the bowler or fedora variety) and women will wear non-revealing dresses (except when cooking dinner, where they will be naked and bare-foot).

But I digress, building a perfect society if a lofty task which must wait until the drug problem is solved in North America and George Bush Jr. is 'elected' Emperor of the world. So, let us get back to the way in which marijuana corrupts or saporine sense. The many tastes and textures of food are often taken for granted by the upstanding citezen (and they should be), but the drug abuser is a different story. They use words like connoisseur, aficionado, and gourmet. I use the word 'glutton'. These people develop such an 'appreciation' for eclectic foods that they start to think they are superior to those who enjoy good ol' meat and potatoes on a nightly basis. They can even become confused as to their own ethnicity and eat food from China, Thailand, or even Japan!!. Now i have to pose the question: what kind of terrorist would rather eat food from Asia over a hearty American classic like the sandwitch. Remeber the sandwitch? it's what we ate for lunch everyday before marijuana made it's presence known. Now even the sandwitch has been perverted beyond recognition. A sub is not a sandwitch. It's an abomination.

You must cleary see now the horrors marijuana has unleashed onto our great society. We must unite to eliminate this threat to wholesome living. And with it, we must also do away with the affiliate offenders. On the top of my list would be any resteraunt that has more than two items on the menu (the two nessisary items, of course, are "BLT", and "Steak and Potatoes"). And in their place, we should put churches. With such a great number of churches, we will be able to educate people on the dangers of immorality and drug abuse.

On a final note, I would just like to remind you that if you have ever smoked the evil of which i have been writing, may your soul be forever damned to the depths of hell, where the humidity is uncomfortable high, and air-conditioners are always 'sold out'.


Next week I will explain the horrors of wearing sandals, and how they cause stomach cancer!



Dr G.  ¶ 11:45 AM 8 comments