The 'war' on drugs ? ((part 2) The Moral Corruption of Our Nation)) In order to return our country to its moral roots we must make some serious changes. Some of these were clearly outlined in 'part one', but since i have not noticed a change as of yet i am going to be more specific. The problem can clearly be traced to the secular left who are corrupting our good christian values.

Phase #1: MORE BIBLES!!

Every store should carry bibles and sell them at such low prices that everyone can afford them. Perhaps even free bible give-aways with certian products. Not only that but the bible should better suit it's target audience. My new bible will not use any words with more than 3 syllables, and every page will be fully illustrated.

Also if people are to really believe the 'new bible' or the 'Gary Gagnon version' of the bible, it must not contradict itself. I propose that someone (me) write a definitive version that will be taken as truth. I may even throw myself in there, so people can see how the doctor would handle various situations. In fact I plan to emalgamate many of the biblical characters (IE: God, Jesus, Satan, etc...) into myself. This way it won't be as confusing for the general population. They wont have to remember who did what because "Gary did it", or "it was Gary`s will".
I will teach people about morality using up-to-date examples such as the evils of foreign cuisine (as mentioned earlier, Canadians should be eating sanwitches for lunch and steak and potatoes for dinner, nothing else.),the evils of drug abuse, the evils of sex, marriage, and love. And finally, the evils of questioning Gary. This really will be the focal point of the 'gary bible' because questioning leads to dissent, and of course, dissent leads to imorality, terrorism, and marijuana se. And we cannot tolerate that!

I have also considered the fact that as an unknown, people may not be accepting of me as their new Lord and Savior. So as an alternitave, i suggest George W. Bush Jr. for the job. The whole worl trusts him so much that they have practically named him emperor of the world. It is also clear that Georgeyboy truly understands morality. He knows of the evils of the world, and has an agenda to crush them. Who better to raise to the status of 'God' than our man Bush. Mr. Bush already understands that he is above 'international law' which was created for mere mortals, not the Moral Superiors in His administration.

Another viable possibility would be a comprimise between the two, in which George Bush and I, travel together through biblical times killing heathens and preching morality. We would have a pet dragon named 'Leon' who would breathe fire on the sinners. Good wholesome family values have a new dynamic duo fighting for them. The sinners, communists, terrorists, and drug abusers will conform to Our righteous beliefs or be invaded and destoryed from the inside (or horribly burnt by Leon).

By my calculations, this new bible will be so subversive that no less than 60% of the worlds population would be converted immediately. Not even the most powerful drug lord will be able to resist the combined conversion power of the great Dr. G, and president George Bush.

Thus ends phase 1 of the moral clensing...



Phase # 2: MORE TOBACCO!!

In those glorious years before marijuana reared it's ugly head, people smoked a family friendly product called 'cigarettes'. Back in the 50's (when society was good and pure) real men, and raspy-voiced women, enjoyed the musky goodness of a sweet succulent smoke during dinner, while driving to work, and even after engaging in monogamous intercourse with ones spouse. There was no need for the terrible trpidation caused by illicit drugs which were then rightly associated with communism, rebelion, and even teenage promiscuity. Yes, you heard me correctly. Drugs are responsible for the STD problem as we know it. And clearly, following that logic, cigarettes are the only cure.

We must launch a world wide ad campaign to get children smoking (maybe a free pack of cigs with every new 'Gary Bible' sold). Imagine a world where kids don't want to start doing drugs because they get all they need from cigarettes. Suicide rates woiuld all but dissapear as cigarettes make stress a thing of the past. The cologne, perfume, and oral hygene industries would boom. We can't all smell like the well preserved elderly afterall.

End Phase 2

Phase # 3: Reintroduction of Shame!!

Now I know you are all thinking "isn't shame a bad thing?". No. No it isn't. Shame was one of the cornerstones of existance in the 50's. Along with guilt, shame kept people so repressed that they could not be a threat to themselves or others. Shame made sure people didn't talk about their private lives or personal issues. I for one am tired of turning on the 'tv' (television) and hearing about bladder control issues, and for christ's sake, if you have an inflamed prostate, you should not broadcast it to the entire fucking world.

Slightly off the topic of shame, but i wouldnt mind eliminating any and all tv ads that involve babies running around to sell products. Im sorry but babies are only cute if you have one or want one. For those of us who do not, we are tired of seeing the stinky little parasites struggling to walk as their brain-dead parents videotape it. And why do they tape it? To show to their 'friends' who would rather watch a slideshow from your last vacation to small-town alberta where every slide is the desolate expanse of nothingness (underexposed with a crooked horizon).

Well back to shame.....yeah.....need more shame....

I am going to end with a quote from the up-and-coming 'Gary Bible' (featuring George Bush Jr.).



"I am the Lord thy God" (like in the 'holy bible', but said by Dr G through a megaphone to a bunch of kids at a fat-camp)



until next week

Dr. Gagnon
  ¶ 10:38 AM